it's not really me...is it?

Yes, you heard that right.

In 2020, when I still was deep in the TERF trenches, I also came out as a lesbian. That was the moment when I felt free, when I felt like I wasn't making up excuses for keeping the "bisexual" label on me.

I felt free...until 2021-2022, when I reconsidered my views and got out of that boiling pot of shit. I accepted myself as a nonbinary person, though at the earliest stage of all this I still kept the she/her pronouns. I was that...silly baby that just started learning how to stop giving a fuck about public opinion.

Some time later, in 2021, maybe...I fully dropped she/her pronouns and used exclusively they/them. I accepted myself as who I am — a nonbinary lesbian.

I knew I was attracted to women, I didn't doubt that. But still...from time to time, I felt like I was wrong, like I was deceiving others and myself by saying that I wasn't attracted to men — all because I still felt like they were...quite handsome. Some of them, yes.

Which I still considered weird. Because...I still didn't feel like I wanted to date men. Being friends with them? Acquaintances? Hell, obviously yes.

Dating, though...was off-limits.

I wasn't talking to anyone about it, I just was quietly spiraling in my room, feeling like my whole life is a fucking lie, a mess, and I should just come clean and admit that I tricked everyone, including myself, into thinking that I didn't like men.

Why did I mention my relationship with gender in the start of this piece? Apparently, that was the reason why I felt like I was deceiving every single person on this planet and myself as well. I thought I wanted to be with a man, witn any of those more or less conventionally attractive ones that you could think of...but that wasn't really it.

Right now, on this day, while I was listening to Handsome by August Ponthier , I nearly cried, because this song was putting my thoughts in perfect order, helping the puzzle pieces to finally get together.

The chorus broke me. No, the entire song broke me, because it was describing my exact thoughts and feelings.

The feeling of fascination when I look at these guys being themselves, being liked by women so much.

The feeling of misery when I compare myself to them.

The feeling of...just being broken, not that cool, whimsical version of myself that I dream of becoming.

Why does it feel so...disappointing to know that I won't be just as cool as they are? That there won't be a single girl that could like me just as much as your average [insert conventionally attractive man's name] fangirl?

Will I always be...alone, forcibly pushed into that "girl" box which I don't belong to?

Or...will I be seen as the dream version of myself someday?