It took quite a while for me to get to this point, which I'm proud of. Massively.

Recently I also have been thinking about what happens if I die. Not in a self-destructive way, no. It stems from curiosity this time.

There's this thought that has been making me feel a bit frustrated: when I die, I won't be me in another life. Like, not the current me. And I like being me, because I have a lot of traits that I love in myself. I also have some that I hate, but that doesn't cancel out the positive aspects of my life.

The 17-year-old me that has been thinking about death in a self-destructive way would probably cry reading this and finding out that I've got my joy and whimsy back. But that's good, right? It would be awesome for them to know that their future self found a way to fall in love with life again.

But the best part of my healing journey? No, not my freshly acquired bravery over crying in public.

It's how I try to go out of my comfort zone by stopping to quietly resent people in hopes of them finally taking a hint! I mean, I saw a fuckton of people on Instagram reels blabbering about how they hate when someone they're communicating with (mostly their friend) doesn't automatically possess the ability to read their mind and spot the tiny, little, almost unnoticeable hint that says "hey, whatever you're doing or saying to me makes me uncomfortable!" and...you know what?

I'd rather go through the ultimately embarrassing experience of spilling this whole box of whatever I've been bottling up than continue holding it inside and risk watching the same box explode in the most violent way imaginable, ruining everything in seconds.

I mean, it nearly happened. I couldn't let my brain fuck me over like that, so I made this decision, which I'm grateful for.

Baby steps! <3

Getting your whimsy back is also becoming more honest with yourself and try to grow into the best version of yourself. That also means you should ditch the nonchalance and let yourself be emotional sometimes. We all have our weaknesses, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Soft doesn't mean "available for mistreatment". Be your sweet, emotional and whimsical self and wear the scars with pride.

I love you 🩷