It feels weird to admit that I can't be bitter without forcing myself into it.

For those who don't know, I might sound like a spineless bitch, as someone who has no backbone considering the fact that I kept giving someone who looked like they cared the benefit of the doubt. Only because they were nice to me at first and actually put some effort into making it possible for me to make my idea (which also sounded quite beneficial for them) reality.

I do feel like I have no backbone, zero respect for myself and keep coming back only because I'm holding onto that image that was built by them at first.

My friends told me that I needed to learn how to set and establish boundaries, that I shouldn't trust anyone I meet online and offline, but I feel like...it's something way deeper than just that.

Am I mad? Yes.

Am I disappointed? Also yes.

But I need to force myself to be bitter.

It's not just the issue with boundaries and trust, it's the fact that I treat them according to the first impression, while they keep acting like I'll let everything slide. Taking advantage of my trust, of my kindness and willingness to give a second chance.

bbadrituall: «girls be like "he's my rock [heart eyes emoji]" and it's like...yes babe, and you're sisyphus»

I'll just smile and let them know that life messes with everything, and they'll use that as an excuse to never reply not just to casual, non-urgent stuff, but also to something that really needs to be checked and can't move forward without a response.

I never called them out.

I never said anything.

And what happened?

Correct, I just got thrown around, as if it's okay to do that to someone who believed in you and your probability to succeed in what you're doing.

I thought that if my effort was acknowledged, then it also was understood.

And I still hoped for the best, because of what? Because at first, they were doing something.

But now it's not like that, so why do I still hope that it'll work out?

I don't trust people so easily, but I also try to find the best in those who already earned my trust.

I'm way too optimistic for my own good. Way too soft.

It's not a "poor me" post, it's something more of a confession of a spineless bitch, because I do feel like I am that bitch. Someone who let myself be taken advantage of by shoving my disappointment off to where it would just be sitting in the corner until it explodes.

Holy fucking shit, I hate myself sometimes.

With that said, everyone deserves to have a moment of weakness. Even if it's a spiral back into an old pile of trash <3